• “Right now this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company, then this would be my career. And well, if this were my career I’d have to throw myself in front of a train.”

• “When I tell people that I work at Dunder Mifflin they think that we sell mufflers or muffins or mittens…and frankly all of those sound better than paper so I let it slide.”

• “One day Michael came in complaining about a speed bump on the highway…I wonder who he ran over then?”

• “Today is Thursday. But Dwight thinks that it’s Friday…and that’s what I will be working on this afternoon.”

• “He has not stopped working for a second. At 12:45, he sneezed while keeping his eyes open (which I always thought was impossible). At 1:32 he peed. I know that because he did it in an open soda bottle under the desk while filing out expense reports.”

• “Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor. And Michael is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight. Now this baby will be related to Michael through…delusion!”

• “Well we’re all getting excited to see this fight. The Albany branch is working right through lunch to prevent downsizing. But Michael, he decided to extend lunch by an hour so we can all go down to the dojo and watch him fight Dwight.”

• “So, yesterday Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot. Which is unfortunate, because it turns out that Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs.”

• “I want to clamp Michael’s face in a George Foreman Grill.”

• “I called the manufacturer, who referred me to the distributor, who referred me to the vending machine company, who told me they sell them in the machines in the building next door.”

• “I don’t like talking paper in my free time…or my at-work time.”

• “I was lucky that Dwight was there and Roy was lucky that Dwight only used pepper spray and not the nunchuks or the throwing stars.”

• “Michael referred me to a male strip club called ‘Banana Slings’. Instead, I called the Scholastic Speakers of Pennsylvania.”

• “It’s a bold move to Photoshop yourself into a picture with your girlfriend and her kids on a ski-trip with the real father. But then again, Michael’s a bold guy. Is bold the right word?”

• “I miss Dwight. Congratulations Universe, you win.”

• “I don’t have a ton of contact with the Scranton branch, but before I left I took a box of Dwight’s stationary. So from time to time I send Dwight faxes, from himself, from the future. [reading] “Dwight at 8 am today someone poisons the coffee. Do not drink the coffee. More instructions will follow. Cordially, Future Dwight.”

• “I’ve got three cases of imported beer, a karaoke machine and I didn’t invite Michael. So three ingredients for a great party…”

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